Day One of Detox

Day one of my juicing detox!

Felt okay.  Bit of a hassle, had a nap early afternoon, juices tasted okay may have overdosed with the ginger.

Had an 'anonymous' text mid morning that REALLY threw me.  It brought it all back.  I thought it (hoped it?) may have been from you know who.  It wasn't though.  I know his personal number kind of and it wasn't that.  Then this morning I found a text from his work mobile and it wasn't that number either.  Don't know how I feel really.  I know I was hoping it would be from him but he doesn't feel anything for me - not in the way I need someone to.  I think someone is telling me to move on.  There is nothing RIGHT about him and I mean nothing right for me.  We were only together 2 and a half years - that's nothing!  How much of it was actually good? He isn't right for me on any level really.  My Dad obviously thinks it would be great but really what does he know? With the utmost respect, he doesn't know him and he doesn't know me in a relationship sense either.

It's me that ends up with these people, I need to be less concerned with what my family thinks.

I need to start writing!  I really want to be able to say I'm a childrens' author.  

I should expand my social circle, keep busy, work, work out, look the best I can look as much of the time as I can :o)

Start loving my life.

Feeling flat today

Yesterday was really hard.  I admired Sebastians' determination but God it was heartbreaking.

I'm going to make his room really lovely for him to come home to.  I've got him lots of lovely presents that hopefully he will enjoy.  I need to talk to him properly about what happened.  Perhaps we need to revert to every other weekend.  I'd love that.

Poor little Zachary too.  Must make his room super lovely too.

Get up and get on.  Get it done.  Get organised, happy and calm and your kids will be fine.

And I'm Feeling GOOOOOOOODDDDD!!

Yay, Hi there!

Just sayin' a quick Hi!

Haven't checked in for a while and just wanted to say I'm doing really well.  Am feeling good - apart from feeling waaaay toooo fat - I'm feeling great.  Actually really great.

The whole 'A' thing wanders through my mind but only on the rarest of occasions.  Have to admit this has been a bit of a surprise to me.  He has been exceptionally easy to forget!!  Wonder why I wasted so much time :|  Interesting, surprising, best of all reassuring.

So onwards with my life.

Christmas is going to be great, I can feel it.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to sort my weight out.  Properly.  I recon Carla is back on the 31st.  How cool would it be to be looking fabulous when she gets back?

Feeling meh..

Crappest nights sleep.

Feeling sad and a bit numb.

You know what my mind is on.  I wish he had got in touch.  But he won't.

He doesn't want me.  He's had long enough.  Just wants to keep my number 'incase'.  Load of bollocks.

You've been good. You've given him ample opportunities to make it work.  You got that in there about the fact that it's been going on for 18 months and isn't exactly a recent problem.  He knows he messed up. You've been strong and honest. He'll be kicking himself.  Tough luck.  You pushed me to do this.  It's your loss.

Move on now.  Move on.


Work
Work Out
Look as good as you can, as much of the time as you can.
Have fun.

Struggling with food and weight...still

I feel good today.  Had a nice day shopping with RB :)  Wish I'd done more for his birthday though.  I can nip out first thing tomorrow though and pick up stuff for blueberry cake, balloons and card.

I'm worried about Sally.  I'm relieved that Carla seems to be turning a corner at last.

I took my boys to the cinema to see a great film tonight, which was a real treat for all of us.

So the family situation is feeling okay.  The financial situation seems to be okay.  The home situation seems to be getting there - need to keep organising it, improving it and moving it forward.

So my concerns currently:

1. My weight
2. My relationship with food
3. My gym routine
4. My disorganisation at home - ironing, tidying, cooking
5. Spending too much money at Tesco
6. My work with DCG
7. My tax return

I need to break the vicious cycle of not enough sleep, no energy, no want to exercise and a desire for all the wrong types of food.  I need to want to look amazing more than I want to taste all that food.

I feel happier now than I have done for some time.  I have to sort out the food/weight/exercise stuff now as a priority.  I have to, I have to now.

Keeping busy so I can't dwell on things and simply not talking about it helps a great deal.  Spending time with some lovely friends really helps too and having enough stuff to do in the social diary.  That said, I have thought about it.  I've reconciled it in my mind and I know I'm beginning to move on. It just isn't dominating my thoughts anymore.

Make a list

Okay,  feels bad doing this but I think it's necessary.

1. I don't actually even think he is good looking, I never really did!
2. He really doesn't have a good body at all, very scrawny.
3. He is actually really quite dull.
4. He doesn't DO anything.  Just sits in his weird home listening to crap music.
5. His only friend is a complete user knob and he is too stupid to see it.
6. He actually has a really small knob!
7. He isn't great in bed at all :(  !! Really rubbish in fact.
8. I didn't think about him over the years at all.  That was a complete lie.
9. He does this weird thing when he drinks.  He is like a child with food.
10. He is never going to do the big gestures.
11. I wouldn't be proud of him in public, to introduce him to my friends.  I'd be a bit embarrassed.
12. He is a hunchy back! :oP Yuk :(
13. If he wasn't rich, would I really be interested?  If he had no money, lived in a little house, would I be that attracted?  Drove a crappy little car?... Really? Truthfully? No, I wouldn't.
14. He likes leaching at young girls.  Sick really.
15. It's his loss, it will be him regretting it.  It won't be me.
16. I deserve so much better than him!

The only good things are that he is bright, reasonably funny and wealthy (but for how long?). Surely I can find someone else like that! Can't be that hard!  Nick was none of those things!

This is what happened;

Me: Time to draw a line under it now.
Him: It seems the only thing we can do, work stuff blah, blah, blah
Me: Can't believe how much it hurts. Never thought I'd be saying goodbye to you twice in a lifetime.
Him: It's not easy for me either.  I wish it was easier.
Me: If the intention is there on both sides you can overcome any obstacle, if not there are multitudes of excuses.  I know you Kirkaldy, you don't let go if it's something you want! Please delete my details, I don't think friends will work do you?
Him: I don't see why not.  I'm not deleting you. It isn't the right thing to do.
Me: It's over.  It was your decision. You can't have it both ways.
You don't want me, so you need to let me go now. Fully.
Fully and completely.  I hope you understand why.
NO reply!

Me again: I can't make you but I would politely request that you delete my contact details, you can have no further use for them.  I am about to do the same with yours.  Please don't be concerned that you will receive an email from me in a few months time, you won't.  I appreciate you are having a hard time right now but no ones life is easy.  This has been going on for 18 months, it's not a new issue!  It was cruel of you to drag it out for so long really.  You need to let me go now.  Please.

No reply. Not ever I imagine.

Goodbye Andrew.  I hope it's eating you up.  I hope you fall on your arse.  It's what you deserve.  Don't come back, don't ever come back.  I'm going to be happy and successful!  My life is full of wonderful people who care very much about me.  My amazing family and friends not to mention my gorgeous little boys who fill my life with joy every day.  Who do you have Andrew?  Sorry, I meant people who you don't employ....  Fuck you, fuck off.

Hurting really badly

It's over.

And it hurts.

Really a lot.