Actually think I'm done with this now...no really this time

Yeah, I know I've said it before but I really now think that I am.  It's been rumbling on for quite some time but hasn't worked out at all and therefore probably isn't really meant to be.  A huge shame and I will always be really sorry that we couldn't find a way to make it work.

I bloody should be over it, he is just a joke. An absolute joke.  Seriously, some kind of absolutely fucking ridiculous joke.  What kind of person can't say they care?  I can't be with someone like that.  Who COULD be with someone like that?  He is mental.  I don't need that.  He seriously has something wrong with him.  I may have had a lucky escape.

I'm moving on, I have to.  It just made me unhappy. Constantly wondering where he is with everything.  When was the last time I felt happy?  Really?  HE is responsible for all this overeating!  I've absolutely been wasting my time.  It's been 18 months for gods sake and he's done and said nothing other than accusing me of not being interested and not making an effort!!

I'm just going to ignore it now. Ignore him completely.  Shut it off.  Just leave him well alone.  I'm done, I have nothing left to say.  You don't treat people you care about like that.  You just don't.  I won't let anyone treat me like that.  I've said all I have to say to him, there is no point repeating myself and just going round in circles.  I have given more than I am comfortable to give and it ends NOW.  NOW.  It's over.

He didn't mean any of what he said.  I don't want another baby anyway.  I have my two amazing boys :D They are all I need - apart from my own space eventually but all in good time.  I can make this space nicer and more liveable in.  More comfortable for us.  No trouble.

I'm going to stay hopeful and optimistic of meeting a nice, handsome man in the future.  I need to get my life straight first though. Get myself back on track and happy again. Need to get slim, fit, healthy, start some hobbies, organise a good social life, organise myself, like myself again, be proud of myself again.

December is going to be the month.  It all starts on Saturday.  The house will be let.  I will be out having a giggle with the girls - some amazing friends whom I love very much.  Carla and Mel.  MUST make more time for them.  And Emma D, Carys and Helen.  And Debbie C.  And Shelley, Emma Page, Erin, Nala, Susie, Tiggy - all really lovely people.  And Sally!!

Look forward, not back.  Jack was right :)  You knew it all along.

Andrew, I'm sorry to have to clarify this - I think you probably already know - but it's over for me now.  I gave you so many opportunities to save it but you chose not to.   It is all your own doing and you have to accept responsibility for it.  You had a choice and by doing nothing, you made your choice.  I will not take responsibility for it this time, you ruined it.  I would have done anything for you at one time but not now.  It's gone, it's over.  Everyone has their limits and I have reached mine.  It's a huge shame and I will always be really sorry it didn't work out.  I sincerely wish you every happiness for your future.  Lorraine

PS I would really appreciate it if you would delete all my contact details, those of my family and preferably all correspondence as well. I will do likewise. This will ensure there is no accidental contact. Please don't be concerned that you will receive an email from me in a few months time, you won't. Wishing you the best of luck with everything.

Yes, done. All done. Shame.

A letter to you

I'm feeling down today.  Tearful, cold, disappointed and hurt I think.  Trying to pretend I'm not.

Why are you doing this, Andrew?  There is nothing in your words or your behaviour that tells me you care very much about me or about us, so why continue?  Why not just end things?  Properly and for good.  Isn't it time you let me go now?  I don't understand and it just hurts.  You've done it, you've got your own back. I'm hurting and have been for long enough now I think. Really, you can stop now.  End it.

I want a relationship that is sincere and committed, mutually emotionally supportive and loving.  I wanted that with you.  You have given no real sign of wanting anything similar or even working towards it.  On the odd occasion when you have said something approaching positive about being with me, your behaviour immediately afterwards is so contradictory that it is easy to disregard it and put it down to you having been drinking.

I have spent the past 18 months hoping that I would see some kind of indication that you want me in your life, that you might consider a future where we are together.  But there has been nothing.

I need someone who cares about me and is able to show it.  I need that.   I hoped so much that that person would be you and I have refused, up until now, to believe that it isn't.  But I'm coming to terms with the fact that things just don't seem to be working out with us.  I'm at a loss to understand why when I really wanted it to.  It can only be because the feeling wasn't mutual. That fills me with sadness.

I never thought I'd be saying goodbye to you twice in one lifetime.

I just don't know how to feel.

2 weeks later and I hear back.  But the message is at best disappointing and at worst - I just don't know!  Rude, pointless, just nothing.  I just don't know why he's bothering.  He actually isn't.

It's just disappointing.  I feel let down.  Worse than if he hadn't got in touch I think.

I'll leave it today.  Maybe reply tomorrow.

"Hi. Hope you had a nice break." - wtf?

Potential replies:

1. It was nice, thanks.

2. I did, thanks.

Seriously.  Why would he bother getting in touch with just that? What am I supposed to think? I went with option 2. The only reason I did reply was so he couldn't say 'Well I got in touch with you but you didn't reply'.  I should have waited longer I suppose.  Oh whatever.  I won't go on Whatsapp tonight.  I'll just leave it now.

There is a part of me I suppose that wants him to try.

I'm simply not fussed anymore which is a shame.  For him anyway.  Need to just focus on me and myself and my boys.

XXXX Got to get on XXX

Message to Andrew: Andrew, you don't communicate, you behave as though you couldn't care less, what is it you want me to do?  It feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.  I can't read your mind.  I can only go on what you text and how you behave.  My conclusion based on these two things is that you don't want me, you don't want us and are generally not fussed.  My confusion is not understanding why you don't just call it a day.  Presumably to cause more confusion and hurt.  If you don't want me, tell me and let me go and find someone who does.  All this nonsense is just ruining it for me.  I don't feel the same way I did at all.  How could I?

Carla and Sally are both being a wonderful support.  I'm so lucky to have them both.

I'm not really sure, Andrew.  It's difficult.  I just don't really see the point of continuing to just go round in circles.  It's just making me confused and unhappy.  I don't know where you are with things, I don't know what you want.  I'm not a mind reader so I have to base my conclusions on what you say and how you behave.  You say you want to stay in touch and maybe see me.  That isn't something you say to someone you care about Andrew.  It's just not.  You made no effort to fight for this, give no indication in anything you say or do to make me feel as though you want to be with me at all.  So why bother to get back in touch?  And with such a ridiculous nothing of a message?  How did you expect me to respond to that?

I want to be in a relationship that is committed and sincere.  You don't appear to want the same or if you do, it's not with me.  So why not just end it?  Then I can go and find someone who does actually want to be with me?  Why continue going around in circles?  I simply don't understand and I'm so tired now of trying to figure it out and getting it wrong all the time.  It's pointless Andrew. Absolutely pointless.

AARRGHHUGGGGGHH..SOB..

Just a quick update for now.  Dear GOD what did I do to myself over the weekend? STUFFED MY BIG FAT FACE - AND THEN SOME - TWO DAYS RUNNING!!!  (I did actually GO running on Sunday - and then stuffed my face. Tsk! )

This is so out of hand now.  Need to find my kindle and start reading what else I can do to stop this.  I sobbed and sobbed about TRD situation this morning and haven't eaten a thing today so thinking I must've burned some calories.  I slept a bit too.  SO many other things I should be doing but I've got no motivation at all.

I at least finally paid Mark Pickerskill!  Also forwarded forms to Keeshan to complete.  So that is something productive done today at least.  Oh also did a Spinning Class and pushed myself quite a bit too.  I need to after filling my face yesterday.  It was utterly disgusting.  I must start writing down what I am eating again.  Although, with things so f*cked up with you know who, I get to a point where I just don't care anymore.  But the sensible side of me - this one here, Hi! Hello! - knows stuffing my face solves nothing and just creates more problems.  A good cry helps, is non-calorific and I don't hate myself the next day.

He is just a dick.  It makes sense that it has all just been one huge game to him.  The Ultimate Revenge.  I hate to admit it but it's the only thing that makes sense really, based on how he has been towards me.  I really hate him now.  I am so ready to rip his head off his scrawny fucking hunched shoulders.  He'd do best not to be in touch.  He can go to hell.  Is kind of where I'm at with things :o) My stars say to keep calm and there will be a deep and meaningful soon where we won't see eye to eye on things.  So I'll do my best to keep calm - for now.

I really need to make my room a bit nicer!  It's full of crap!  Kellyann should be gone today.  The sooner the better.  Fuck off.  God, I am so grumpy!

Need to tidy myself up and go and get my little moshlings.  Make a nice cup of coffee/tea and enjoy their little faces company.  Before I go and make them some yummy dinner that is.  XXX  Need to kiss their little faces :o) xx

So, hello there Tuesday..

I am returning to this as I am feeling a little better and more determined to get myself well again.

I told myself that to stop eating this morning was going to be painful.  I decided to time how long it was painful for.  I soon forgot and when I remembered and looked at the time, 7 minutes had passed.  Made me smile :o)  See, I can do this.  I can do anything.

Had a bit of a think on TRD/TDH thing.  I think that he has been so focused on his own needs that he has forgotten that I might have any.  I just walked away from a relationship where the man involved was self centred and everything was one sided.

I was a little fixated on the fact that it was him, had to be him, felt so right with him but is it?  Was it?  Ever?  Yes, he was a good listener but he isn't the only man in the world who is a good listener I'm sure.  What about all the ridiculous history?? Better to draw a line under all that and move on.  I was never particularly attracted to him, lets be honest, physically I mean.  Best let it go.

I'm not going to get in touch with him.  What would be the point?  It's all just pathetic nonsense.  He isn't right for me.  I know that now.  I have said I care, that he is really special, that I didn't think I would find someone I felt the same way for.  I said I wanted to spend time together to see where things went.  He is like a closed book.  I can't be with someone like that.  I don't want to be with someone like that.  No thanks.  What is the point?  Really, no thanks.  He said he wants to stay in touch and see me.  I asked him if that was all the response I was getting.  That's something I would say to a vague, casual acquaintance!  Obviously how he sees me.  I told him to get in touch if he felt it was worth it but that I didn't really have anything else left to say.  True.  I don't.  Other than Fuck Off!  Best if he doesn't get in touch right now.  The fact that he hasn't means he obviously doesn't think it's worth it.  He said he just doesn't get why I am reacting like this.  I said I'm just reacting to the way I'm left feeling.

I'm just tired of it Andrew.  I have no idea what you do or don't want so I don't know how to be.  I don't have the emotional energy anymore.  I'm tired of trying to second guess you.  I want relaxed and fun.  To me, this has been anything but and it's just ruining it.

If I start another relationship it will need to be either really casual, no stress, no strong feelings, or full on and for the rest of my life.

ANDREW & LORRAINE all done now.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Right so, need to plan some good stuff now.  Holiday with Sal sounds fabulous.  The man is filling in his forms - fabulous!  Plan for Xmas - it's  going to be fab-u-lous darling!!  Lots of fun - thank you.
So need to really tackle the eating thing.

Strategies - 5htp
Meditation - Head Space
Environment - Sort it aaaaaaattttt!

Love you Raine x

Sunday Runday Yayday!

Yay for me.  Did a run today!  Well a walk/run but good though!  Pleased with myself.

Had two bowls of yogurt and Special K to celebrate :o(  ANYWAY, onwards and upwards!  Get going with my day.  So I'll write again later on.

Get dressed, do hair & Make-up, Tesco, Toys r Us? sort washing, make costume, wrap Rosie's present, contact Sheehan,

You are always on my mind... Elvis or PSB?

Woke up today really not feeling great at all.  Guess who is on my mind immediately?  It's rubbish.  When will it go away?  I suppose I'm still hoping there is a chance but I don't even know what I want.  Something won't let me walk away from it but I don't know if that's just my stubbornness or because I do actually care and want to be with him

I am going to allow myself 20 minutes of feeling rubbish about him and then I'm going to take some deep breaths and get on with my day.

Well, your silence speaks volumes!  My last message to you was to get in touch if you think it's worth it.  I think that now I have my answer to that.  I suppose I really wanted to hear 'of course I think it's worth it, I want to try as well!' but no, nothing.  As deep down I knew it would be.  You say you care, obviously not enough to want to try.  That's okay.

It feels like this has slipped away now but I don't understand why.  Perhaps I never will.  I wanted us to be together so much, I really did.  Apart from probably two weeks in the summer of 2011, it hasn't felt to me like you have.  It's like you don't want me but don't really want me to be with anyone else.  It makes me sad because I thought we could have been really, truly happy together.  It seems you don't agree and I can't make you feel something you don't.

I feel as though I've been feeling around in the dark.  I never really knew what to do because I didn't ever really know what you wanted. You have to communicate.

He was on Whattsap at 3.14 am. It would be nice to think that he's reading over it, giving it some thought perhaps but I know deep down he is just messaging his girlfriend in America.  Or probably someone he's shagging here.  Do you want to be constantly wondering what he's up to?  If it felt like he cared it would be easier.  I'm just reacting to the way I'm left feeling.  Frustrated, tired, it's just ruining it, at the end of my tether with it all now. It's done now, I think, for me.  It has to be, it's making me ill.

Okay, so in summary, I'm going to have a really good productive day today.  Washing, fashioning a club!, making an outfit, tidying up my room, watching a bit of TV maybe while journalling, early night, maybe a nice run tomorrow morning.

Well that all went completely to pot.  I've just spent the last few hours stuffing myself full of utter rubbish because I feel low and really alone.

I really wanted him to get in touch, really hoped he would but he hasn't. I suppose it's a reflection on how he feels about me, or doesn't rather...  It's a good excuse for him not to.  'I didn't think you wanted me to'  and all that pathetic BS.

At the end of each day, when I haven't heard from him, I think oh well maybe tomorrow.  I think it's time to face facts.  If he wanted to be with me, he would be. If he wanted to contact me, he would have.  He is using all the excuses in the world not to be with me.  He just doesn't want to be with me.  That is the simple part.  He doesn't love me, I am not how he remembers me to be and he just doesn't know how to tell me.  He didn't get in touch with you then - for months and probably never would have really.  He just doesn't care enough.  It's simple Lorraine.

It hurts.  It will get better but right now it hurts a great deal.  I hate him for making me feel like this.  He is a fucking dick and I HATE him.

Calm now reigns.  Move on, focus on your amazing gorgeous boys and earning some considerable money.  Look after yourself for the sake of your children.  They deserve you to be healthy and happy.

Oh dear, overate tonight

I did really well today until I got home.

I ate:

Protein shake

Tesco meal - thai chicken
3 crunchy crackers with a tub cream cheese
two yogurts

And I shouldn't have eaten, didn't need to eat, but was tired and cold and thirsty.

I'm embarrassed to admit that having had 4 really good days, this evening I ate:

Big chunk of ham
Small tub of cream cheese
Packet of cheese & onion crisps
Tesco meal - giant couscous
3 large chocolate chip cookies
1 pot of custard

Feel crap now for doing that :o(

I've been playing out conversations with TDH in the car today who hasn't been in touch. Am I surprised?  Not really.  Do I care?  I mean REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY?  Actually no.  I actually really don't!  Feels strange saying that... I thought I would always care but I just like things finished off properly. I think that's what's bothering me the most now not that I actually want to be with him.  I think we should probably talk things through and end things properly and amicably.  For that I need to be looking AMAZING, just so he knows what he's lost.  However, there is NO WAY IN THE WORLD I AM CONTACTING HIM NOW - FUCK THAT, I'M NOT DOING THAT.  I think I've tried hard enough.  Ball is in his court.  I'm not fussed anymore.  Really not.  C is absolutely right as usual.  If I had someone else, or even the prospect of someone else, I wouldn't waste my time thinking about him.  In the new year, I'm really going to start getting on with my life.  That will involve meeting new people, perhaps even a lovely man :o)  Someone who actually wants to be with me and who knows how you treat someone that you care about.  That would be refreshing :o)  There are good men out there, just got to look.

Am shattered, need to go to bed really badly!!  Tiredness = rubbish eating! Love you LB xx

I'm really tired, I so should have pre-empted the above eating session.  I will look out for it next time.  Keep going, keep learning and bloody well go to sleep now. xx

Still radio silence...

Bit tired today - bodypump yesterday might explain it.  I am SO VERY IMPRESSED with myself though for not reaching for the crap food.  As I have said to Salsa though, I don't feel as though I have been properly tested yet.  I'm sure it will come but that has been 3 days so far of diet/sensible eating.  I've had bread sticks, cream cheese and chunks of ham so I'm not feeling as though I'm depriving myself.  I'm sure it's coming.  Things with N are strained.  Things at RH are strained although she's going on Sunday, so that will chill out I think.  Things with D & M are strained - but will recover I hope.  Feel a bit funny about the groupmas do but I'm not sure why I should!  Just because N invites them over sometimes.  He doesn't see V, much of C, or J, nothing of C/J, a bit of R and M but then so do I,  so it's just C and A.  A is whatever.  Fat, with a fat daughter!  C is sweet enough - should've made the effort to go over really.  Will make up for it.

I do feel a little stressed today though.  I feel as though I've a lot going on which doesn't help.  I need to eliminate the stresses.  All is quiet on TRD front which is actually quite nice.  One less thing to think about. SA feels sure he'll get in touch.  I'm not so sure.  The ball is in his court.  I'd rather leave things to be honest, maybe until the new year.  New year, fresh start.  I don't want all this over Christmas again.  I want to have fun with friends and family not stressing over him.

So stresses feel like:

1. Rental pad
2. Z's party outfit
3. DB!
4. The BG Xmas do - not sure I have reason to though!
5. Money, a bit
6. DCG website.

1. So, make a list of things that need doing at rental pad. Done!!
2. Go to Hobbycraft. Done!!
3. Drop D's money off to him
4. Email C. Done!!
5. Do a budget, get rental pad rented
6. Work to list stuff on the website - thats all you got to do.

Okay, feeling a little better :o)  Make your list then!!

List made, off I went...only forgot the bloody keys!! AARRGGHH!!!

As I was driving his knobship was on my mind a little.  I was getting angry about the whole situation but I have to say, I care less and less with each passing day.  I think I just feel a little humiliated!  That's the worst of it.  Do I care about him?  Do I want to be with him?  What will he add to my life?  Will he enrich my life or drain more life out of me?  Now that is a good question!  I must've had to have him come into my life to get me away from VN!  Didn't take much persuasion really!  There must be someone else out there for me.  Not yet though.  Not yet.  I don't want anyone yet.  All in good time.

Had a lovely evening. Much more relaxing minus THM.  Half 8?  Back they are.  Why on earth can't they just go out for more than a couple of fucking hours!!  Piss Off!!

9pm now.  Eaten way too much :o( 2 glasses of wine :o(  Lush though and I just don't care anymore.  Nobody else does, why should I?  As long as my boys and I are having fun and laughing and I see my lovely friends from time to time.. lets see, Dbs, C, M, Salsa, CHE soon.. Sc ms, C & M again, Sc m's again!

Started off okay..

I woke up really positive today, weight dropped by another pound overnight which is BRILLIANT.  Still way too heavy but was pleased.  8.4lbs to go to target.  Quite a lot but still do-able.  4.4lbs to go until down to 7 and a half stone which is just about acceptable.  That needs to be my new upper limit though.  DO NOT GO ABOVE 7 stone 7 lbs!!  I did a bodypump class today which was great but hard work on the old thighs!! Had a ham salad for lunch.  Rather too much ham probably and then crackers and breadsticks too :o(  See if I can just have a protein shake for dinner and a small glass of red.

K being a bit twitchy but R is having a terrible time so that might explain it.  Just found out she's off Sunday - Whoop Whoop!

Just texted Sally, that's cheered me up :o)  xx Love my friends very much. Am so lucky. xx
She sent me a card!  So lovely.  Means so much.

Still heard nothing from The Weird One but then I did tell him I wasn't about this week and it might be best to leave it for a bit.  I also said that he could get in touch if he thought it was worth it but that I didn't have much else to say.  All of which is true.  I'm tired of going around in circles with the whole thing and yet a part of me isn't ready to let it go yet.  It just doesn't make any sense though. Why not just end it Lorraine?  When was the last time it felt enjoyable?  Fun?  Relaxed?  Long time ago..

I'm going to win this.  I refuse to let my emotions destroy my figure and my life.

I know there are loads of stresses but there always will be.  Finding another way of dealing with things is required.  I can't keep eating!  I never used to be like this and I refuse to be anymore.  But oh, where to begin?

TRD - 1. One of my last messages to you was to feel free to get in touch if you felt this was worth it.  It has been 3 weeks since I sent that to you so you've made it clear.  I wanted us to be together very much.  You never told me that you felt the same way, you never gave me any reason to believe that you care about me and therefore I can only conclude that you didn't.  It was your decision and I hope it was the right one for you. Your decision fills me with sadness but I know that I can't make you feel something you don't and I think 18 months of trying is long enough.  Could I politely ask that you delete all of my contact details?  Including phone number.  I will do the same so you can be reassured that I will not be making any further contact with you from now.  I really do wish you every happiness with the rest of your life.

TRD - 2. I appreciate that you have said you care about me but it is difficult to reconcile that with how then you behave towards me.  I care about you so much.  I hoped so much that we could find a way to get things on track and build a future together.  I wanted that more than anything.  You saying you want to stay in touch and see me is difficult for me.  First of all on the surface of it, it doesn't reflect any depth of feeling towards me whatsoever.  It's the kind of thing I might say to a casual acquaintance that I'm not that fussed about seeing much of at all.  That is the first kick in the teeth.  The second problem is that I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS.  I thought we were staying in touch.  I wanted to see you.  For you though a couple of texts a week and seeing me every 3 months os okay it appeared.  Until you then get a bee in your bonnet about me losing interest!  Seriously what the f*ck??

If it appears to you that I am losing interest at least that means it felt as though I was showing interest which is more than I get from you.  I get f*ck all from you.
I'm done, I'm spent.  Such a waste of emotion on what?  And for what?  You ruined this. You did that. I don't understand.  You either need to explain it to me or leave me alone.  It's up to you. I can't carry on like this anymore.  I wanted us to be together more than anything but this is just ruining it.

Angry, confused, angry, humiliated, angry, sad.