Woke up today really not feeling great at all. Guess who is on my mind immediately? It's rubbish. When will it go away? I suppose I'm still hoping there is a chance but I don't even know what I want. Something won't let me walk away from it but I don't know if that's just my stubbornness or because I do actually care and want to be with him
I am going to allow myself 20 minutes of feeling rubbish about him and then I'm going to take some deep breaths and get on with my day.
Well, your silence speaks volumes! My last message to you was to get in touch if you think it's worth it. I think that now I have my answer to that. I suppose I really wanted to hear 'of course I think it's worth it, I want to try as well!' but no, nothing. As deep down I knew it would be. You say you care, obviously not enough to want to try. That's okay.
It feels like this has slipped away now but I don't understand why. Perhaps I never will. I wanted us to be together so much, I really did. Apart from probably two weeks in the summer of 2011, it hasn't felt to me like you have. It's like you don't want me but don't really want me to be with anyone else. It makes me sad because I thought we could have been really, truly happy together. It seems you don't agree and I can't make you feel something you don't.
I feel as though I've been feeling around in the dark. I never really knew what to do because I didn't ever really know what you wanted. You have to communicate.
He was on Whattsap at 3.14 am. It would be nice to think that he's reading over it, giving it some thought perhaps but I know deep down he is just messaging his girlfriend in America. Or probably someone he's shagging here. Do you want to be constantly wondering what he's up to? If it felt like he cared it would be easier. I'm just reacting to the way I'm left feeling. Frustrated, tired, it's just ruining it, at the end of my tether with it all now. It's done now, I think, for me. It has to be, it's making me ill.
Okay, so in summary, I'm going to have a really good productive day today. Washing, fashioning a club!, making an outfit, tidying up my room, watching a bit of TV maybe while journalling, early night, maybe a nice run tomorrow morning.
Well that all went completely to pot. I've just spent the last few hours stuffing myself full of utter rubbish because I feel low and really alone.
I really wanted him to get in touch, really hoped he would but he hasn't. I suppose it's a reflection on how he feels about me, or doesn't rather... It's a good excuse for him not to. 'I didn't think you wanted me to' and all that pathetic BS.
At the end of each day, when I haven't heard from him, I think oh well maybe tomorrow. I think it's time to face facts. If he wanted to be with me, he would be. If he wanted to contact me, he would have. He is using all the excuses in the world not to be with me. He just doesn't want to be with me. That is the simple part. He doesn't love me, I am not how he remembers me to be and he just doesn't know how to tell me. He didn't get in touch with you then - for months and probably never would have really. He just doesn't care enough. It's simple Lorraine.
It hurts. It will get better but right now it hurts a great deal. I hate him for making me feel like this. He is a fucking dick and I HATE him.
Calm now reigns. Move on, focus on your amazing gorgeous boys and earning some considerable money. Look after yourself for the sake of your children. They deserve you to be healthy and happy.
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