A letter to you

I'm feeling down today.  Tearful, cold, disappointed and hurt I think.  Trying to pretend I'm not.

Why are you doing this, Andrew?  There is nothing in your words or your behaviour that tells me you care very much about me or about us, so why continue?  Why not just end things?  Properly and for good.  Isn't it time you let me go now?  I don't understand and it just hurts.  You've done it, you've got your own back. I'm hurting and have been for long enough now I think. Really, you can stop now.  End it.

I want a relationship that is sincere and committed, mutually emotionally supportive and loving.  I wanted that with you.  You have given no real sign of wanting anything similar or even working towards it.  On the odd occasion when you have said something approaching positive about being with me, your behaviour immediately afterwards is so contradictory that it is easy to disregard it and put it down to you having been drinking.

I have spent the past 18 months hoping that I would see some kind of indication that you want me in your life, that you might consider a future where we are together.  But there has been nothing.

I need someone who cares about me and is able to show it.  I need that.   I hoped so much that that person would be you and I have refused, up until now, to believe that it isn't.  But I'm coming to terms with the fact that things just don't seem to be working out with us.  I'm at a loss to understand why when I really wanted it to.  It can only be because the feeling wasn't mutual. That fills me with sadness.

I never thought I'd be saying goodbye to you twice in one lifetime.